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Recursing History

June 28, 2017

It occurs to me, my newly rediscovered (and still going strong!) interest in chess is the latest in a string of returns to activities I’d let lapse in recent years. Musical theater, bodybuilding, using a handgun, riding a motorcycle, actually considering the remote possibility of not necessarily returning to New York to live (I mean, maybe), are all things that remind me of my life before moving away from Utah. Or at least they could have flowed directly from those days without much influence from my decade-plus away.

I mean, it’s pretty weird. I’ve spent most of my grownup life extremely happy to be out of Utah, and I was kinda bummed to be heading back temporarily(?). So what’s the deal?

I’ve got two theories, if I’m just going to pull things out of the air.

First, maybe there was something about my time away that was, I don’t know, getting away from who I was, somehow? Or at least from parts of myself? Maybe that’s why I spent so much time so unhappy, and maybe what I’m feeling now that I’m back is getting back to some kind of more authentic self. I’m extremely happy to have had my time in some huge cities. In fact, in may ways I feel much more at home in Brooklyn and among the people there than I do here. So I don’t mean to overstate this observation here. But there does seem to be something.

Second theory. Perhaps I’m overcompensating for how things went for me in Chicago and New York by embracing life here in Utah. Perhaps I unconsciously want to convince myself of something. Of what? Who knows. Something safe and comforting, probably.

So yeah. This is more of a half baked observation than a robust insight. But I could see myself setting up camp in Salt Lake, maybe moving around a bit year to year. Don’t get me wrong–my life won’t be fully settled until I can swing probably two trips a year to New York to catch the entire Broadway season. But there it is. Something’s different.

From → Navel Gazing

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