[Probably my main interest in law school was conflict resolution. As a result it's an area where I have a not insignificant amount of experience and theoretical knowledge, if I do say so myself. One of my favorite groups is the Harvard Negotiation Project. They've put out a lot of great material in the field (e.g., the classic negotiation book Getting to Yes.)

I recently composed, for a separate project, a brief outline of the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. The book offers fantastic practical advice for changing the way we look at and participate in tough conversations involving relationships, offering criticism, emotionally-charged situations, etc.

The summary is short and a little rough, but I wrote it because I couldn't find anything better for free on the Internet. So even though it's nothing fancy I'm posting it here in the hope that it may be of some benefit to my fellow conflict resolution Googlers.]

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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

When conversations start to get difficult, usually three conversations are going on, but we’re often not consciously aware of all of them:

1. The “What Happened?” Conversation. Common errors in this conversation are focusing on who is right, what each person intended by saying or doing something, and who’s to blame for the problem or for things getting out of control.

2. The Feelings Conversation. Often we don’t acknowledge what we’re feeling about the topic or the conversation. If things are getting charged, obviously we’re feeling something big, and if we can notice it in ourselves (and possibly mention it to others but maybe not, depending on the situation) we’ll be better able to integrate our feelings and navigate the conversation we want to be having. Otherwise, our suppressed emotions are likely to come out in unhelpful ways.

3. The Identity Conversation. When the stakes are high, our ideas about how we see ourselves and what the outcome says about us are often in play. Having our self-images challenged can be disorienting and anxiety-provoking, sometimes without us realizing why.

In a “difficult conversation,” it’s easy for someone to say something meant to be confined to just one aspect of the conversation that gets interpreted by the other as having implications for the others, or vice versa. In fact, that’s pretty much what makes tough conversations tough.

Note: When a conversation gets hard, it’s important to realize that it might be better to let it go. Remember: you can’t change other people who don’t want to change, short-term relief may have long-term psychological or relationship costs, and hit-and-run comments may not be helpful if you don’t have time or energy to really talk through the issue. If it’s hard to let things go even when it makes sense to do so, remember that it’s your responsibility to do your best and NOT to make things better, the other person has limitations and failings too, the conflict is not who you are, and letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care.

That said, if you are going to engage the conversation, focus on purposes like learning the other side’s story and why they have the views they have, expressing your views and feelings to your own satisfaction, and collaborating to solve the problem.

Then, try to have a Learning Conversation:

1. Begin from the “Third Story” , i.e., the story using neutral language an observer with no stake might tell and both sides might accept, and invite the other to join in the purpose of mutual problem-solving if it makes sense to both of you.

2. Listen, using the skills of inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgment.

3. Express your own story by speaking for yourself with clarity and power. Speak directly. Don’t present your conclusions as The Truth, share where your conclusions come from, and don’t exaggerate with “always” and “never” and give the other person room to change.

4. Take the lead in problem-solving. Reframe what is said in terms of the three-conversations framework. Listen to what’s being said. Name any dynamic that is preventing progress. Then, use problem-solving techniques like those in Getting to Yes.

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